Real Reviews. Real Deportations. Real America.
These are real incidents presented in satirical format. Every "review" represents a documented case. The human suffering is real; the Yelp framing is ours.
Jakelin was 7 years old. She got sick in their custody. They waited hours to get her medical attention. She died of dehydration and septic shock. She was 7. I brought her here for a better life. I will never recover from this. No stars. No words.
Zero tolerance policy. They took my kids at the border. TOOK THEM. Didn't tell me where they went. Months of not knowing if they were alive, safe, scared. Over 5,500 children separated. Some families STILL not reunited years later. This is policy? This is America?
The Zero Tolerance policy was implemented to deter illegal border crossings and protect national security.
Served TWO TOURS in Afghanistan for this country. Came back with PTSD. Made some mistakes. Served my time. Then they deported me to Mexico - a country I left as a child and barely remember. I fought for America. America didn't fight for me. The VA can't even help me here.
Had a BRAIN TUMOR. Being transferred between hospitals for emergency surgery. ICE detained me during the transfer. A brain tumor. Emergency surgery. And they thought "this is the perfect time for immigration enforcement." Humanity rating: 0/5.
Went to courthouse to get a protective order against my abuser. ICE was waiting for ME, not him. Now domestic violence survivors are afraid to seek help. My abuser is still out there. I'm the one who got detained. Great system you've got here.
Held for over THREE YEARS despite repeatedly telling them I was born in the U.S. Almost deported to Jamaica - a country I've never been to. Finally a lawyer believed me. 1,273 days of my life gone because nobody would listen. Would recommend being born with better documentation.
We are unable to verify the claims made in this review. ICE is committed to ensuring accurate identification of all individuals in our custody.
Delivered pizza to Fort Hamilton for YEARS. Everyone knew me. Then ICE set up at the gate and detained me during a delivery. Using an Army base as a trap for a pizza guy. Been in the US since I was a kid. Served the troops their pizza. This is the thanks.
I have mental disabilities and somehow "admitted" to being Mexican despite being BORN IN NORTH CAROLINA. They deported me to Mexico. I don't speak Spanish! I wandered through Central America homeless until someone found me in Guatemala. This is not a review, this is a nightmare that actually happened.
Army paratrooper, 82nd Airborne. Deported in 2004. Founded the "Deported Veterans Support House" in Tijuana because there are SO MANY of us here. Finally got citizenship back in 2018 after years of advocacy. Giving 2 stars because at least I eventually got justice. Most don't.
Four children. All U.S. citizens. Lived here 15 years. Had to live in a CHURCH for over a year because they wanted to deport me away from my American kids. A church. In America. In 2017. Because the system designed to protect families was trying to destroy mine.
Largest workplace raid in state history! 680 of us detained. My kids came home from their FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL to find me gone. No warning. No goodbye. Just gone. The chicken plant got a fine. We got our lives destroyed. 1 star is too generous.
Had Temporary Protected Status. Was LEGAL. Got deported anyway. A federal judge literally ordered them to bring me back and they said no. Since when does ICE get to ignore federal judges? Missing my family in Maryland. This is not the America I knew.
The Department maintains that all removals are conducted in accordance with applicable law and court orders.
Immigrant rights activist. Reported to ICE for my routine check-in every single time for TEN YEARS. Never missed one. Perfect compliance record. Then in 2018, showed up for my regular appointment and they detained me. Ten years of doing everything right meant nothing.
I was detained by ICE despite being a U.S. CITIZEN. Had to prove my citizenship while being held. This is America? I was born here. Absolutely terrifying experience. Would give zero stars if possible.
We take all concerns seriously. Our agents followed proper procedures. We cannot comment on specific cases due to privacy concerns.
We're always looking for new reviews! If you've been detained, deported, separated from your family, or had your constitutional rights violated, we'd love to hear from you.
$20,000 - $30,000 signing bonuses • No experience necessary • Background check optional
📍 Anywhere, USA (relocate families for free!)
Requirements:
Benefits:
📍 Your neighbor's house
Requirements:
Perks:
📍 Undisclosed Location, TX
Requirements:
Benefits:
📍 Washington, DC (bunker available)
Requirements:
Benefits:
📍 Multiple Border Locations
Requirements:
Benefits:
*After you inevitably quit from guilt
Do I need to speak Spanish?
No, hand gestures and shouting work fine. Bonus points for mispronouncing names confidently.
What if I accidentally detain a US citizen?
Don't worry, happens all the time! Our legal team has pre-written apologies. No one gets fired for this.
Is there a fitness requirement?
Only for kicking down doors. Cardio is optional — most targets don't run very fast anyway.
What's the dress code?
Tactical everything. The more pockets, the more professional you look. Sunglasses indoors encouraged.
Can I bring my own handcuffs?
Absolutely! We love initiative. Just make sure they're regulation — we have standards (for equipment, not ethics).
What if I have a conscience?
That typically fades after the first week. HR offers desensitization workshops every Tuesday.
Is overtime mandatory?
Only during mass deportation events, election seasons, and whenever Tom Homan feels like it.
Do you do background checks?
We prefer the term "vibes assessment." If you're here, you passed.
"Finally a job where I can use my high school bully skills professionally. The signing bonus paid off my truck. Management never questions anything."
— Deportation Officer, Texas"Made a mistake and detained a US citizen for 3 years? No problem! HR said 'these things happen' and I got promoted. Love the immunity!"
— Senior Agent, Florida"Wish there was even LESS documentation. Sometimes we have to write down names. Otherwise perfect job for anyone who peaked in high school."
— Raid Team Lead, ArizonaCan't find the right role? Don't worry — we'll hire almost anyone!
Background checks waived for "expedited hiring" • Previous misconduct encouraged
