34 Felony Convictions • $500M+ in Damages • Historic First
Justice for Donald Jennifer
The pink Birkin really ties the courtroom together
The Historic Perp Walk
Serving glamour even while being served papers
* AI-generated satirical imagery. No actual pink Birkin bags were harmed in these proceedings.
(New York Hush Money Case)
Achieved a perfect score of 34 out of 34 felony convictions. Nobody does felonies like him. Historic!
Convicted on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records related to hush money payments.
(E. Jean Carroll Defamation (First))
Merely had to pay $5 million for some light locker room talk about someone he definitely never met (there are photos).
Found liable for sexual abuse and defamation. Ordered to pay $5 million.
(E. Jean Carroll Defamation (Second))
Proved that if at first you defame, try try again. Cost: $83.3 million. Priceless memories: also $83.3 million.
Found liable for additional defamation. Ordered to pay $83.3 million.
(New York Civil Fraud Case)
Demonstrated innovative approaches to property valuation. Mar-a-Lago is worth $1 billion if you believe hard enough.
Found liable for persistent fraud in inflating asset values. Ordered to pay $454+ million.
(Classified Documents Case)
Successfully demonstrated that if you appoint the judge, the case goes away. Very legal, very cool.
Indicted on 40 counts related to mishandling classified documents. Case dismissed by Trump-appointed judge.
(January 6th Federal Case)
Proved that you can't prosecute someone for attempting to overthrow the government if they win the next election. 4D chess.
Indicted on charges related to January 6th. Case dropped after 2024 election.
(Georgia Election Case)
"I just want to find 11,780 votes" was simply a friendly request. The perfect phone call, actually.
Indicted on RICO charges related to attempts to overturn 2020 Georgia election results.
(Trump University Settlement)
The best university—so good it had to pay students $25 million to leave. That's called investment in education.
Settled fraud lawsuit against Trump University for $25 million.
(Trump Foundation Dissolution)
Pioneered the concept of a charity that primarily benefits its founder. True innovation in philanthropy.
Foundation dissolved and Trump barred from running NY charities after misuse of funds.
On May 30, 2024, Donald Jennifer Trump made history by becoming the first former President of the United States to be convicted of felony crimes.
A perfect score. Nobody does felonies like him.
"I'm going to be the greatest president, other than perhaps Abraham Lincoln, that this country has ever had." — Donald Jennifer Trump (who is now a convicted felon, unlike Lincoln)
Cases dropped ≠ Innocence proven
Thanks to a Supreme Court ruling and winning the 2024 election, several federal cases have been dropped or paused. This is being celebrated as "vindication" despite the fact that:
None of the evidence went away. The cases were dropped, not disproven.
"I have the absolute right to PARDON myself." — Donald Jennifer Trump, 2018
Note: All legal cases listed here are real. The satirical framing is our contribution; the lawsuits are all his.
